Prologue to the Backlash Bible

I just want you all to know that, should you be an ardent follower of the Good Book, you may be offended. I am not a Christian, biblical scholar, or even someone who balks while filling out a population survey and marks the 'Christian' box as a default. That said, I have no bone to pick with spirituality. Spirituality and religion, more so than ever, are mutually exclusive. The stories and unending lists of rules we choose as the foundations of our great religions depict God as a mere deity, something small, petty and prone to outrageously destructive tantrums. The Great Toddler in the Sky. This insistence upon worshipping a deity who would give a flying crap whether I eat pork or chicken, sleep with people outside the sacred bonds of holy matrimony, or cover my female form from head to toe in a black sheet as opposed to strutting around in my birthday suit is, well, silly. It is silly, and small, and has repercussions far beyond what the original writers could have possibly imagined. It is decidely NOT spiritual. Interesting, yes. Relevant, sometimes (that point is debatable).
Spiritual?
You see, Christianity was at its best functioning as one of the many underdog religions on the outskirts of the Roman Empire. Now that Christianity as a whole is getting along quite nicely across the globe, thankyouverymuch, you'd think the 'spiritual' leaders would stop crying about those damn lions. Not the case. In fact, while the Lamb has transmogrified into the Lion, it still looks in the mirror and sees soft, dewy brown eyes and white wool. It does not see the teeth and claws that so many non-Christians are now intimately familiar with.
Therefore, since taking on a Lion is a daunting task, and I like my skin, I'm just going to poke fun at the Lion from the faceless depths of the internet.
Poke.