Part One: The Book of Steve

The Book of Steve

'Adam and Steve'

On the first day, exactly 6,128 years and 14 days ago, God created America. Realizing her mistake, She shrouded the land in darkness until such time as the Great Race (for there was ever only one) should spring forth and begin its endless intersquabbling.

On the second day She turned, and from the watery depths rose the Supercontinent Pangaea, replete with strange and exotic reptiles and plants, all very primitive in their make and function. She promptly hit the Supercontinent with a comet, making with Her lips a loud 'KAPEW' noise, wherein Pangaea sank beneath the waves. She was a young God, you see, and prone to tantrums.

"Not good enough," She intoned. Then, realizing that She was talking to Herself, She hastily created seven more continents with trees and cute furry animals.

On the third day, God began working on Her masterpiece. Rough draft complete, She tore off a hunk from the midsection that was magically almost as large as the original piece (She was, after all, God) and formed a much neater and slightly less hairy version, minus the messy bit between the legs.

"You're Adam," She said to the rough draft, now scratching it's behind and staring contentedly out on the dim world it would eventually bring to the brink of destruction.

"And you..." She searched through all of Creation for a most appropriate name, "shall be... Steve." And Steve was Fabulous, and all was well.

On the fourth day, after watching Creation stumble around in the dark for a while and bonking into itself, God had a quite literally Brilliant idea (like I said, She was God), and lo, there was light. Adam leapt on the opportunity to count and recount his toes, and try though Steve might, she could get very little by way of conversation out of her rough draft.

With God elsewhere in Creation (as She had put it, there was nothing like a 3 day vacation), Steve had very little to do but explore the very nicely mowed lawns and topiary that Eden had to offer. The second afternoon of her lonely rambles took her into an area of somewhat unkempt looking lawns. Not knowing anything as remarkably useful as fear, or even having a sense of foreboding, Steve rambled on until, rounding a corner, she walked smack into a creature walking about on its hind legs like it owned the place. Steve was naturally polite and, excusing herself, attempted to step around the odd creature. Once again she ran smack into it. Once again, she apologized and made to continue on her way. This time, however, the creature Spoke.

Now, other than Steve herself, Steve had only ever heard God speak. Steve had yet to learn that God's word could be taken with a grain of salt, and had nodded vigorously along whenever God ranted about "God damned Lucifer, the brat" or "Why won't all the flowers just be pink? I ordered pink!" God wasn't much for conversation, being the managerial type. Steve, therefore, was entirely unprepared for an actual conversation.

"You," said the creature, and its eyes grew wide, "you are like me."

Steve didn't understand what this meant, and shrugged while checking diligently on her toenails.

"Like you?" said Steve. "But we are all alike, all born of dust to live in the garden of Eden."

"No. You and I... we... have you never seen yourself?"

Now this was a ridiculous question. See oneself? With who's eyes?

Steve had seen a great deal of the young earth and it's glories; water, fish, trees, tigers, cows, the hill with the pond on the side of it instead of at the bottom (God scoffed at that one, but refused to explain beyond muttering something about the 'Law of Gravity'. Steve didn't always understand God.), the glorious sun and formidable moon. She had seen God in Her glory, walking amongst the trees with blossoming flowers trailing in her wake. She had seen Adam. At this thought she sighed, knowing not why. But herself? Steve laughed aloud, realizing as she did so that it was the First Laugh, and the Laugh echoed and reverbated to all corners of Creation, startling birds from their perches and rerouting rivers as wide as the Euphrates.

"Why, see myself? How could I see myself? I look upon everything else; why look upon myself? Even if I could, why would I want to?"

The creature shifted from foot to foot, scanning the horizon with an expression unfamiliar to Steve. Seemingly decided, it turned back to Steve.

"What if I took you to a place where you could gaze full upon yourself? Would you go?"

"Go where? Is it someplace new?" Steve's dormant curiosity was suddenly piqued. "Could there be such a place?"

"There most certainly is, and I will take you there. But first, let me introduce myself. I am Lilith."

To be continued...

Prologue to the Backlash Bible

I just want you all to know that, should you be an ardent follower of the Good Book, you may be offended. I am not a Christian, biblical scholar, or even someone who balks while filling out a population survey and marks the 'Christian' box as a default. That said, I have no bone to pick with spirituality. Spirituality and religion, more so than ever, are mutually exclusive. The stories and unending lists of rules we choose as the foundations of our great religions depict God as a mere deity, something small, petty and prone to outrageously destructive tantrums. The Great Toddler in the Sky. This insistence upon worshipping a deity who would give a flying crap whether I eat pork or chicken, sleep with people outside the sacred bonds of holy matrimony, or cover my female form from head to toe in a black sheet as opposed to strutting around in my birthday suit is, well, silly. It is silly, and small, and has repercussions far beyond what the original writers could have possibly imagined. It is decidely NOT spiritual. Interesting, yes. Relevant, sometimes (that point is debatable).
Spiritual?
You see, Christianity was at its best functioning as one of the many underdog religions on the outskirts of the Roman Empire. Now that Christianity as a whole is getting along quite nicely across the globe, thankyouverymuch, you'd think the 'spiritual' leaders would stop crying about those damn lions. Not the case. In fact, while the Lamb has transmogrified into the Lion, it still looks in the mirror and sees soft, dewy brown eyes and white wool. It does not see the teeth and claws that so many non-Christians are now intimately familiar with.
Therefore, since taking on a Lion is a daunting task, and I like my skin, I'm just going to poke fun at the Lion from the faceless depths of the internet.
Poke.

The Bible Revisited... for the first time...

You may be wondering what this site is all about. You may be here with a reason, either to refute me every step of the way (Bring It) or to cheer me over the finish line (I'd suggest making yourself comfortable). You may have been attempting to access some other website, perhaps one about puppies, but have found yourself here, with me, once again embroiled in a socio-religious debate, the kind that inevitably climaxed with its pimply participants pointing fingers at each other and howling "You're Wrong!" in 9th grade home economics class.
Regardless of why you ended up here, you are here now, still reading, perhaps thinking, because you have some interest in the subject matter, which is (drum roll) The Bible!
I myself have always had a limited amount of patience for The Bible, due in large part to some of its more fervently lunatic followers and their attempts to brand their interpretation as the correct interpretation and everyone else's as the whisperings of Satan. The Bible itself is, admittedly, quite a piece of work. I understand more so now than I did in the 9th grade that it has indeed been the port to launch a thousand ships of faith. That said, it is such a huge, and hugely convoluted, story, that putting any one particular spin on it and branding that as the only way to see it STILL does not make sense to me. Until, of course, you account for the fact that we're talking about humans. Humans that like to be right, and be in control, and be looked up to, and be wealthy, no matter the cost to their fellow humans. Yes, indeed, even The Bible has fallen victim to interpretations that favor one individual over another based solely upon what the first individual claims to be plainly evident on page 743. Whether the second individual has the same understanding, or has ever seen a The Bible before, really doesn't matter so long as the first person has lawyers, guns and money on their side.
One point that has been volleyed back and forth over the years is whether or not the Bible is truly the Word of God. I don't really think it matters. Sure, why not? Word of God, interpreted by Man, written down by Man, translated by Man, reinterpreted by Man, retranslated by Man, edited and reorganized by Man, translated again by Man, and delivered unto you, whole, absolute, and totally impartial to any of the personal convictions of its many editors and translators. When someone reads a passage that does not make sense to them, do they ask God to explain what He meant? Usually not. They ask...(wait for it)... another Man, wanting his interpretation of what God could have possibly meant.
On the top ten list of my Favorite Recent Developments is the fact that Conservapedia is busily retranslating and re-editing The Bible (again) with the intention of emphasizing what they deem it's obvious free-market sensibilities and establishing a "Framework against Liberal Bias".

Huh?

Apparently The Bible is too liberal and too people-friendly for the modern American Conservative. Too many queers, not enough stoning. Jesus is wearing a dress, for Christ's sake! This has Got to Stop!
But seriously, they plan on actually removing whole passages that speak to the compassionate nature of Jesus Christ because, in their words, these are "interpolated passages that liberals put their own spin on". It's not okay that Jesus was a nice guy, because nice guys are pussies. If Conservapedia had their way, Jesus would've been played by Arnold "Juggy-Grabbin'" Schwarzenegger, and he didn't chase the money lenders out of the temple so much as Crush their Skulls and use their limp bodies to beat the rest of them to an oozing, bloody pulp.

But this got me thinking; if they can rewrite the Bible to meet their own bizarre (and bizarrely unfriendly) ideas of what it should and should not include, so can I! Ding ding ding ding!

And so, Conservapedia, I see your stoning and raise you a casting of lots. The main difference between you and I, besides our genders, religious background, and general taste in popular musical trends, is that you are operating in earnest, and I am operating out of sheer pleasure. So let's get it ON!

In the Beginning...

...there was Blog. And Blog grew large, and was read by many. From all corners of the English and sometimes not-English speaking world came the readers, knowing from not whence they came or why, knowing only that they had no choice but to bow low before Blog and seek from Blog words of everlasting wisdom and enlightenment. And Blog said unto the people many Wise and Witty things, sometimes sacrilegious, and though some of the things Blog said were wiser than others, the people listened and Knew Blog.
And there was much begatting.